TTT at the movies

Ah, another freezing Spring weekend. “How do I spend time with loved ones yet avoid speaking one word to them?” you ask? Only one place for that, friend. The ol’Royal Cinema on Main.

“That’s a porno theater now.”

Oh, OK, probably don’t want to take your kids there…um….how ’bout the Cineplex Famous Players Odeon AMC Multi-plex off exit 14? It’s only 47 minutes away. Plus, not only will you not have to talk to your family, you’ll probably end up losing one of your kids in this labyrinth!

Seriously though; we all love the movies. Who doesn’t love shelling out $13.50 to really get to know a fat man‘s elbow and have some greasy suburban kid kick the back of your chair? And that THX sound? Wow! Really hurts your ears!! And the quality is nothing at all like the five-speaker Dolby 5.0 Surround Sound you dropped 3K for to have installed in your living room! All kidding aside, the movies are a great “activity” and the only one that allows you to do no “activity” at all! You get to get out of the house to do the thing you love most: sitting and staring (…and eating). And did we mention friends and family are prohibited from talking to you the entire time by social convention! Awesome. So, what’s playing?…

Battle: Los Angeles

Did you like Independence Day? Then sit back for 84 minutes of pure CGI wizardry. Even though the US military gets its ass kicked by these LucasFilm aliens, it’s gratifying to watch them at least engage a target that they can actually see, instead of those morale-killing IEDs that are still the over the news…or at least at the bottom…scrolling by really fast. Miss it? Oh, you missed it. Yeah, 7 guys died. Whatever, put on Idol! (“By the way, Did we win in Iraq? Have we left? How ’bout that other hellscape? Have the Taliban finally been located by a CIA drone plane and gassed by a C-130 Hercules that they can’t even see?” ‘I don’t know, I’ve been laid off since ’08.’)
The guy from Look Who’s Smoking or whatever is in it. Yeah, that guy. Oh, and, uh, it takes place in LA. Presumably because it was cheaper to just film the thing “down the street.” And people like palm trees.

Rating: ***

Beastly

Think Beauty and the Beast for the 90′s. So, uh, this dude is all superficial and handsome and then he’s made ugly but he has to get some chick to love him despite his nausea-inducing mug.

You probably shouldn’t see it. This is an airplane move for sure. Exception: you are 13 and on a date. (Do kids date anymore? Do they even still say that? “Date”?)

Rating: *

Hobo with a Shotgun

OK, we’ll be honest, we haven’t seen this. All we know about this one is that it stars Rutger Hauer, famous for playing the evilest of the evil replicants from Blade Runner, he has a shotgun and he’s homeless. So, yes, put this on the “must-see” list.

Rating: **** and probably 2012 Best Picture

Just Go with It

Did you see Grown Ups? If you did, William Mattar is leading a class action law suit to get your money back. The same formula is at work here: terrible PG-13 rated jokes, some of Sandler’s comedian buddies, some T’n’A, and family friendly themes about the importance of family and friends. The lead blonde holds your attention from a Perfect 10 POV and they also go to Hawaii and if you’re seeing this you probably can’t afford to go to Hawaii so those are both pluses but, uh, other than that…don’t go.
Billy Madison is turning over repeatedly in his grave with every new Sandler flick. Amazingly, each one grosses 200 mil or more.

Rating: * and only because he was once so much funnier.

Limitless

The handomest handsome man ever from Wedding Crashers and The Hangover confirms his status as handsomest man ever with this being basically the plot of this movie. He goes from zero to hero courtesy some magic pills and lives a fantasy life of cash, broads and cars but – UHOH – his magic pills start to run out! DUH-DUH-DUHHHH! Robert De Niro calls it in as the bad guy. Worth seeing just to see how much fun this pretty boy gets to have thanks to his vunder-peelz, but essentially dumb from a “film” perspective (as opposed to a “movie” perspective).

Rating: **

The King’s Speech

“You haven’t seen it?? You haven’t seen it??? You’re kidding me, right?!” If you’re sick of hearing this from everyone just go see this damn thing. It basically got all the Oscars. Geoffrey Rush, in one of his rare non-retard roles, is some kind of tutor and Colin Firth is, you guessed it, the King (of England). It’s WWII and he has to give a big, important speech to all his subjects. It all comes off well even though he fails to explain how he tolerated Chamberlain so long, and as a result is basically to blame for the rise of Hitler. Better reviews analyze the implied dichotomies between class, aristocracy and commoner, but basically all we have to say is go see the thing so people stop bugging you.
“IT’S SOOOO GOOD!”

Rating: **** we guess, ’cause everyone else seems to say so.

Now, one last thing before you go: DON’T BE A TOMMY TEXTER!
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*these asterisks are meant to represent stars. So it got two stars. Yes, the third asterisk was just an asterisk…to bring you down here…to explain how the asterisks are stars…except for this one.

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