Robert De Niro abandons all pretense of being a serious actor

“It’s called Limitless, Mr. De Niro, and we think you’d be perfect in it!”

‘Yeah, am I the lead?’

“Actually, we were thinking of you for the villain.”

‘Who’s the lead?’

“We got Bradley Cooper!”

‘Who the hell is that?’

“He’s really hot right now!”

‘How much you gonna pay me?’

“$12 million, Mr. De Niro, plus 6 points of the net.”

‘How much you gonna pay Barry?’

“You mean ‘Bradley’?”

‘Sure. Him.’

“$4 million.”

‘Equity?’

“No, sir.”

‘OK- here’s what you’re gonna do. Take $3 million from Barry and give it to me. Make it 10 points on the gross, and we can talk.’

“Well, sir, Mr. Cooper’s contract is already signed.”

‘Who the hell is Mr. Cooper?’

“Barry, sir.”

‘Oh, well, listen: he still makes a million bucks. When I was his age I starred in Mean Streets and got paid in rolls of quarters. I paid my dues, and I want Barry’s salary.’

“OK. Let us get back to you.”

‘Good- one last thing…’

“Yes, Mr. De Niro?”

‘Do me a favor and don’t tell me the title of this dogsh*t film, don’t tell me who’s directing it, who wrote it, what it’s about. Nothing. Just fax me my pages. I don’t want to read any scenes I’m not in. Waste of my time. Don’t worry, I’ll figure out what’s going on.’

“Yes, sir.”

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