Public largely forgotten that Angelina Jolie frenched own brother

Angelina Jolie. She was in Tomb Raider and, uh, Changeling (?) and some other crap. Oh, she was in the classic nerd thriller Hackers (oooh, “hackers,” such an amusingly new and topical concept in 1994.) Really, the only thing worth seeing with her in it is Gia, a film in which she plays some supermodel named Gia and is birthday-suit naked for 74 of the film’s 112 minutes. Her dad is also Jon Voight. (They don’t get along so she dumped the surname.) So what is she really famous for?

She is most famous for breaking up America’s Sweethearts, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Yes, the woman is a succubus. Pitt and Aniston had been together since ’98 but, in 2005, on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith Jolie was able to work her voodoo. A few months on set together. A sex scene or two. Aniston had no chance once Jolie was given this huge window of opportunity. Indeed, Aniston was like Betty from Archie and Jolie was like Veronica…if Veronica had insane blowjob lips and massive, real breasts on a slender frame. But c’mon! Maybe you bang Veronica but you don’t DIVORCE Betty! So beloved is Aniston still that, in a recent poll, 84% of married men said they’d dump their wife for Rachel Green, Aniston’s character from the mega-hit Friends. She also pulled down about $110 mil from her time as everyone’s favorite girl. Now, obviously, the money thing didn’t really affect his decision but, STILL, why in the hell would Pitt divorce her?? Succubus voodoo, my friend, succubus voodoo. He was mesmerized by that giant sexmouth and those smoldering Medusa-like eyes.

Of course, Jolie is also known for her compulsive need to adopt little children from every shithole in the known world. Rumor has it the two have about 47 of these various taupe colored rugrats chewing on the carpet now.

One wonders what Pitt thinks when he’s sitting there at home, in the finest La-Z-Boy La-Z-Boy makes, Cambodian throw-up all over him, a screaming Gayanese infant in his arms, and four Bangladseshian toddlers fighting over a ceramic bookend in the corner and Friends comes on. Anger? Sadness? Regret?

Oh, damn, Angelina just walked in naked.

This throw-up should come right out anyway…

Oh yeah, everyone seems to have forgotten that Jolie frenched her own brother at the 2000 Oscars and is kind of a weirdo.

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