Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Woman wins lotto, doesn’t quit job

Saturday, February 19th, 2011

Lavada Blassingame loves her job as a Toronto Parking Enforcement Officer. Anyone who’s attempted to run into a store while parked illegally in the quadrant between Bloor and Front and Spadina and Jarvis has probably felt her wrath. Well, their car has, at least.

“You dauw wauw’ eevah TRY in my territoreh, huney!” declared Lavada, who wears a custom meter maid uniform that is regular sized through the torso and legs but XXXL in the seat.

“Dauw eevah TRY eht!” repeated Lavada, though we were already fully dissuaded given her first forceful warning from any illegal parking schemes we may have been harboring.*

Well, Lavada is this week’s Lotto 6/49 winner, the lucky recipient of $41 million of millions of other people’s wagers that they might be struck by lightning. However, that’s not the newsworthy bit. The amazing part of the story is that Lavada does not plan on quitting her parking enforcement job!

“Nowauw’ keh’ do the job like I do eht, babeh,” explained Lavada.

“Nowauw’!” she added, just in case we didn’t get the message.

“Wauw’ em’ I gwa’ do? Let chaos reig’?? Let those got’dah’ parkers jus’ pah’k wherevah da f*h’k de wauwz’?!?” shouted a semi-enraged Lavada.

“I dauw’ tank so! I dauw’ muthafrontin’ tank so!!”** she answered herself.

Lavada does plan to indulge in some stupid ways, as any spontaneous millionaire is expected to by the rest of us. Indeed, Lavada is augmenting her wardrobe with some luxury, designer items befitting of a millionaire 240lb. black woman. These are to include 87 separate articles of velor clothing, ranging from XXXL velor thongs to a navy velor jumpsuit, as well as formal wear.

“ha-HA! Velohwwww’ bebeh! ha-HA!!” explained Lavada.

“JUICEH! Hoooo, boi; mama TOLD ya not to come! ha-HA!” continued a wild Lavada.

On top of retaining her job, Lavada also plans on retaining her 1997 Honda Civic but upgrading it with custom chrome bumpers, rims***, grill, door handles and windshield wipers, velor seats, and a 7000 watt Blaupunkt audio system.

Pimp My Ride ain’t got nutin’ on me, nukka!” explicated Lavada.

Expect to see Lavada in her new orthopedic velor shoes ticketing your Kia while you’re buying smokes at 7/11 as usual.
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*or “threat,” of sorts. Lavada has a glimmer in her eye everytime she utters her threatwarning that suggests she actually kinda does want you to try.

**we’d never said that we “thought so.”

***spinners, OBV.

Mubarak to open Pharaoh Phalafel franchise

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Hosni Mubarak, Egypt’s embattled 30 year “President” is on the brink of being forced out of “office.”* The masses of protesters still teeming in the streets were not placated by his offer to comply with their demand to resign immediately…by resigning “immediately” in September. So after another week of hardly sleeping Hosni – or “Big Hoss,” as he is known to his friends – has wisely decided to step down this very evening. But at only 82 years young, Hoss isn’t hanging up his autocratic spurs just yet.

“I will open a chain of falafel restaurants. The finest the world has ever seen,” said the besieged President.

Yes, Big Hoss has a plan to begin his own franchise: “Pharaoh Phalafel.” Falafels Egyptian style in a comfortable, clean environment with 4000 year old, Ancient Egyptian era-inspired decor. Other candidates for the franchise’s name are reported to have included, “Ptolemy Panini” and “Tutankhamun’s Tasty Treats.”

“All my falafels will be $5 or less, and far superior to that Lebanese garbage I’ve encountered in the United States in my visits there,” explained Mubarak.

“The fundamentals of my business plan include, ‘Taste, cleanliness and timeliness,’” said Hoss, “It’s not fast food. It’s good food served quickly.”

Given that Hosni “Big Hoss” Mubarak has about $2 billion US stashed away for his retirement, he is more than amply funded for his new venture and will not have to take on any partners.

The first location is set to open this summer in La Jolla, California, in a former nail salon tucked nicely between a Verizon store and a Payless Shoesource.

“Those seeking quality footwear at sensible prices will no doubt find my quality falafels at sensible prices quite appealing,” said Hosni, “Anchor stores that align with the vision of Pharaoh Phalafel is the key to my business plan. My Rosetta Stone, so to speak.”

Mubarak invites potential franchisees interested in their own Pharaoh Phalafel business to attend his seminar at the Los Angeles airport Marriot next Friday at 4pm.

Ballroom C.
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*the apostrophes are meant to denote that Muby is actually much more of a “dictator” on a “throne” (or perhaps a very ornate desk chair) rather than a “President” in “office.”

Punxsutawney Phil fails to see own shadow or looming threat of China

Thursday, February 3rd, 2011

Everyone’s favorite psychic rodent meteorologist, Punxsutawney Phil, did not see his own shadow nor the looming threat of a rising China yesterday. Yes, February 2nd was Groundhog Day again, the one day where all eyes are on the small town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania and its inhabitants rightly feel like real Hollywood celebrities. Made famous by the redoubtable Bill Murray classic Groundhog Day, the ceremony is just as über-quaint and lame as it is presented in the film. Residents, white-bred Winnebago owners who had a visit on their bucket list, and a 270 million strong television audience were overjoyed when ol’Phil didn’t see his shadow, which for some reason means that our winter weather should end early.*

“Get out the lawnmower!” said a grinning idiot.

“Yippee!” added another overweight moron.

“Wanna see why Phil’s house is called Gobbler’s Knob?” asked a smirking high school student of a moderately attractive soccer mom.

Unfortunately, the prescient Phil failed to take note of China’s geo-political ascent and its transparent aspiration to challenge the US for global supremacy both militarily and economically.

“That the US is locked in a symbiotic relationship where China is increasingly the site of its manufactured goods as well as its largest creditor state next to Japan and Britain, in that order, was overlooked by Phil,” said Simon Pinkerton, U Penn Political Science Chair, “Once China has developed a consumer base of its own, it can deliver a double karate chop to the US by shutting out the cheap goods Americans are now essentially addicted to and calling in the $1 trillion in debt, all at once. A surprising omission, given that Phil is usually quite adept at perceiving how the sands are shifting in the global balance of power.

Continued Pinkerton, “Hell, in 1989 he saw his shadow as well as what he termed, ‘The imminent dissolution of the USSR due to economic and political liberalization that are in fundamental opposition to the maintenance of a totalitarian state.’ Back in 1975 he didn’t see his shadow and also mentioned that he didn’t see, ‘…much more time for South Vietnam‘s continued existence given the dissipation of the political will to back the country in the US.’ Saigon was taken just two months later.”

In years past, Punxsutawney Phil has complimented his Stephen Kingsian weather futuresight with predictions that include the dawning of the Age of the Automobile, the Great Crash of 1929, the pet rock, 80s New Wave synth, the rise and fall of khaki pants in the 1990′s and the coming of Brangelina.

“The mayor says he may have heard Phil mention something about ‘an Apocalyptic tidal wave in 2011,’” added Pinkerton, “but he can’t be sure. The mayor was pretty drunk at the time.”

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*Animal-loving statisticians inform TTT that this correlation has held true 56% of the time since the tradition began 125 years ago so, uh, yeah: that preening tard was almost certainly right: get out your John Deere riding mower…oh, a pushboy are ya? I pity you.

Briefer News Briefs…Micro-Briefs

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

MAN KILLS SEVEN, SELF AFTER FAILING TO CLICK COLLATE

A man shot seven of his coworkers this morning before killing himself after failing to click the “collate”* button during a routine print job. Survivors say that roughly 45 minutes into separating page one from one, page two from two, in a 200 page-per-document, 50 copy print job, the man “just snapped.” Cornered in the break room by Metro Toronto SWAT, the man cried “I never un-clicked it! Never! What situation calls for it not being collated! Honestly!” before turning the gun on himself. He is survived by his cat Princess.

HOOKER HAS HEART OF GOLD

A john at the Waverley Hotel fell asleep after his hour of companionship concluded, leaving his wallet on the bedside table. When he awoke his remaining cash was still in his wallet and he had been tucked in. In related news, a dental hygienist is only a little closer to purchasing a new Louis Vuitton purse.

WEATHER

It is partly cloudy in Kathmandu, 9.5 degrees Celsius and clear. The wind chill brings this down to a solid 9 degrees, while humidity persist in the moderate-to-high level at 68%. Wind gusts should be expected at 1 kmph and the dew point is 4 degrees Celsius. Those going outdoors should bring a light jacket since precipitation should begin by the evening as wind currents come in from the west in a high pressure system.

From BBC News, bringing you the most up-to-date and accurate forecasts in irrelevant weather.

SMART CAR DRIVER SURVIVES HEAD-ON COLLISION

An ecologically-conscious human being and driver of a Smart Car veered into oncoming southbound traffic on Yonge St. and collided head-on with a Ford F-150 Super Duty this morning. He was reportedly not paying attention to the road at the time, preoccupied with switching the radio dial from 104.5 FM to 97.3 FM because the song “With or without you” by U2 was making him think about his aunt, who had recently passed away. Since he was ducking at the time he miraculously survived the crash. The F-150 has a scratched bumper.

In related news, a young hipster on a Vespa was side-swiped by a taxi while commuting from his studio condominium to his studio cubicle and remains in critical condition at Toronto General Hospital. Doctors suggest that he may be using his time trapped in a coma to rethink the brochure, which presented Toronto as snow-free and comparable with Florence.

MATCH.COM CAUSES WOMAN TO HAVE BAD DATE

A woman concluded a date in record time last night after she fast realized that on his Match.com profile where her date had put, “Spontaneous yet goal-oriented,” he should have put, “Overweight yet conceited.” The waiter for their table at Kelsey’s commented, “No amount of wine could have fixed that situation.” He was reportedly left only an 8% tip but was satisfied with that given “the cloud of disappointment” that he discerned hanging over the table. The man returned home to find no response from Penguin Publishing in his mailbox. In related news, a dental hygienist purchased a new Louis Vuitton purse.
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*”Collating” in reference to printing means that if one were to print five copies of a three page document, it would emerge from the printer as page 1, 2, 3 / 1, 2, 3 and so forth, so that you are ready to simply staple your five copies. Not collating means that the pages emerge as 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 / 2, 2, 2, 2, 2 and so on.

“Put Down the Fork and DO 10 PUSH-UPS” Leads Non-Fiction Bestsellers

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Move over Eat, Pray, Love, there’s a new self-help book that’s hitting the shelves just in time to save everyone’s flagging New Year’s Resolutions to lose weight. Entitled, “Put Down the Fork and DO 10 PUSH-UPS,” the slim 47 page “book” could more accurately be characterized as a “novella,” the central character of which is an omniscient narrator that considers the reader to be a gelatinous, gluttonous jigglebucket. Here are some excerpts:

…from Chapter 1: Getting in touch with Yourself
“Looking in the mirror again, wondering why you’re so overweight? Well, did you skip dinner last night and DO 10 PUSH-UPS? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

…from Chapter 3: Loving the inner You before you can Love the outer You
“Size 38 waist: disgraceful. Children are starving in Africa and you can’t drive past a McDonald’s without pulling into the drive-through. Next time you get the urge for a double big mac with seven apple pies for dessert, just pull over to the paved shoulder, get out of your Kia and DO 10 PUSH-UPS! Still craving a McFlurry? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

…from Chapter 4: A Balanced Diet with occasional Rewards
“Still got a double chin, pounds’o’fun? Didjya have an apple for breakfast? How ’bout for lunch? Eat an apple for dinner? No? How about you quit wasting this author’s time and DO 10 PUSH-UPS! Still hungry? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

…from Chapter 7: Healthy Living and the After-Dinner Stroll.
“Get out those jeans from fifteen years ago. Still can’t get in’em? Walk across town, and when you get back, why don’t you do yourself a favor and DO 10 PUSH-UPS? Who wasted money on a GoodLife membership, now? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

The author, Elvis Gilbert Hartman, credits the spiritual awakening that he had while traveling across Angola, Albania, and Algeria as the inspiration to write the book.

“It wasn’t quite ‘One man’s search for everything,’” said Hartman, “In fact, I was looking to sell defective uranium rods to rogue totalitarian generals who didn’t know any better, but along the way I lost a helluva lot of weight. I wrote this book during the flight back.”

Added Hartman, seemingly as an afterthought, “…Is there a better book on the shelves these days? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

Many self-help books published over the prior decade became popular due to their inclusion of a bewildering volume of pseudo-spiritual pap, but not this one.

“I left all that Zen horsesh*t out,” explained Hartman, “People are really only concerned with looking hot. A divorce only really hurts if you’re too pear-shaped to get laid immediately afterward. You gonna disagree? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

Public largely forgotten that Angelina Jolie frenched own brother

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

Angelina Jolie. She was in Tomb Raider and, uh, Changeling (?) and some other crap. Oh, she was in the classic nerd thriller Hackers (oooh, “hackers,” such an amusingly new and topical concept in 1994.) Really, the only thing worth seeing with her in it is Gia, a film in which she plays some supermodel named Gia and is birthday-suit naked for 74 of the film’s 112 minutes. Her dad is also Jon Voight. (They don’t get along so she dumped the surname.) So what is she really famous for?

She is most famous for breaking up America’s Sweethearts, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Yes, the woman is a succubus. Pitt and Aniston had been together since ’98 but, in 2005, on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith Jolie was able to work her voodoo. A few months on set together. A sex scene or two. Aniston had no chance once Jolie was given this huge window of opportunity. Indeed, Aniston was like Betty from Archie and Jolie was like Veronica…if Veronica had insane blowjob lips and massive, real breasts on a slender frame. But c’mon! Maybe you bang Veronica but you don’t DIVORCE Betty! So beloved is Aniston still that, in a recent poll, 84% of married men said they’d dump their wife for Rachel Green, Aniston’s character from the mega-hit Friends. She also pulled down about $110 mil from her time as everyone’s favorite girl. Now, obviously, the money thing didn’t really affect his decision but, STILL, why in the hell would Pitt divorce her?? Succubus voodoo, my friend, succubus voodoo. He was mesmerized by that giant sexmouth and those smoldering Medusa-like eyes.

Of course, Jolie is also known for her compulsive need to adopt little children from every shithole in the known world. Rumor has it the two have about 47 of these various taupe colored rugrats chewing on the carpet now.

One wonders what Pitt thinks when he’s sitting there at home, in the finest La-Z-Boy La-Z-Boy makes, Cambodian throw-up all over him, a screaming Gayanese infant in his arms, and four Bangladseshian toddlers fighting over a ceramic bookend in the corner and Friends comes on. Anger? Sadness? Regret?

Oh, damn, Angelina just walked in naked.

This throw-up should come right out anyway…

Oh yeah, everyone seems to have forgotten that Jolie frenched her own brother at the 2000 Oscars and is kind of a weirdo.

Advertisers slowly ruining greatest hits

Saturday, January 15th, 2011

You’re 62 years old and physically shattered from a lifetime of booze, drugs and random sex. It’s been three decades since you played Madison Square Garden. Now the only gigs you pull are at Casino Rama to pay for the upkeep on that ridiculous boat you picked up in ’85 (Azimut said nothing about $100,000 annually in birthing and de-barnacling!). A brand manager from Johnson calls you out of the blue, waking you from a dream in which your groupies are still supple teenagers, not the aging skeletons of reality who so disturbingly resemble your own, sad self. An instant $500,000 wire transfer awaits you if you give them the rights to use your #1 hit of all-time – that lead single off your 1974 album that went double-platinum and eventually earned you a spot in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – in a television commercial for **New Pledge ® Multi-Surface Clean & Dust™ Spray**!

“The product is kind of a hip new way to approach cleaning wood, glass and tile in one!,” says the hack on the other end of the line, “I mean, one cleaner for all the surfaces in your home!? Talk about radical, man! Far-out! So, whudda ya say?”

The Johnson kid sounds about 25. He probably wasn’t even born when your song hit #1. Is this selling-out? Oh, this is definitely selling-out. Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham and Keith Moon are all turning over in their graves. But half-a-mil’? For nothing? That’s 100 of those demeaning Casino Rama appearances!

“Yes,” you hear yourself say in a weak voice, “OK.”

“What’s that, dude, I didn’t quite catch it?” says the kid.

“YES. OK. Done,” you say.

“Grrrreat. I’ll have the papers over to your agent ASAP. Ciao, baby!” says the kid.

>CLICK< And that's something approximating the post-fame sell-out that causes your favorite tunes to be dragged through the proverbial mud on TV in some vacuum commercial. The Isley Brothers' classic soul song "Who's that lady?" about a freakin' soccer mom using a Swiffer broom? Player's "Baby Come Back" about the damn broom wanting to be re-embraced by that same soccer mom? The Cult's "She Sells Sanctuary" was sold to Nissan for use on TV to help add some adrenaline to its lame-ass Altimas. And, perhaps worst of all, The Beatles' "All You Need is Love" was set as the background music to a TV spot hawking BlackBerries. If you haven't heard one of your favorite classic tunes on TV in awhile; don't worry, you will. And it'll be accompanied by some footage about how versatile a new plunger is. Perhaps the only thing worse is when the executors of an estate decide to let a given company use a dead artist’s likeness to hawk its crap in return for a do-nothing fat cheque. Did Steve McQueen really like Tag Heuer watches? I dunno, that giant billboard seems to say so. And Yoko Ono has sold John Lennon’s likeness for everything from action figures to lunch boxes. What a genuine “artist” she is.

….OK, this last one is not that shocking.

Man has superlative time in champagne room

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

Last night, a man entered the Champagne Room at The Brass Rail, a popular gentlemen’s club on Yonge St. There, he was paired with Cindy and Bambi, two effervescent employees of the establishment. For two hours the man was provided with top shelf companionship: Cindy and Bambi took turns dancing semi-nude to pleasant FM “hip-hop” tracks after the latest fashion so that the man could appreciate their physical forms on an aesthetic level and, as per municipal and provincial law, at no time did the man himself disrobe or physically touch either Cindy or Bambi. Indeed, most of the trio’s time was spent in conversation; chatting, sipping their drinks in responsible fashion, enjoying the pleasant music, reposing on the supple velor couch and generally unwinding.

“You don’t find this kind of companionship just anywhere,” said the man, who was happy to give his name (Gabe Fellow). “In Bushido Japan, any Samurai worth his katana would regularly visit a geisha with whom he would discuss philosophy, poetry and other topics,” continued Fellow.

At the end of the two hours the man was presented with a very reasonable bill for $2,500.

“In line with my expectations,” said Fellow, “I mean, we did each have two modest glasses of Moët.”

Arriving home, the man was more than willing to describe his evening in full, truthful detail to his wife. His wife was more than pleased to hear about what a relaxing and restrained evening her husband had.

“He deserves it,” she said, “he works so hard.”

In related news, the Metro Toronto Police Vice Squad has reportedly stopped its periodic check-ins of the Champagne Room.

“We’d catch more illicit behavior at the library,” said Det. Sgt. Brocket.

Burrito bubble to pop imminently

Friday, January 7th, 2011

Burrito Boyz, Burrito Bandidos, Backdoor Burrito Buddiez- the list goes on and on. Yes, you can hardly turn around in Toronto without seeing another stool-and-counter burrito restaurant on the corner. With a staff of functional drug addicts, chicks too portly to waitress and illegal immigrants in combination with ingredients that cost $2 from Loblaw’s per unit being made into a $9 burrito, the business model is exceptionally inviting. More importantly though, Toronto’s desire for burritos seems near-insatiable. However, restaurant analysts predict that this longstanding trend – the “burrito bubble” – is set to expire (pop).

“The falafel craze raged through the 90′s but, sure enough, it inevitably ended. With this burrito thing approaching its twelfth year of popularity, we see people finally getting turned off in the very-near future,” said Doug Bocadillo of Diner Dynamix Inc, “Indeed, ROG (Return on Guava) ratios are spiking, reaching historic highs. This is simply unsustainable.”

“The drunk clubbing crowd, willing to throw down their leftover change for anything halfway tasty that might increase their odds of beating R.I.D.E., will probably be the last to abandon ship,” added Doug.

What’s the next under-$10 sandwich craze to sweep Toronto faster than SARS through a Yo-Yo Ma concert, you ask?

The “cubano.” Basically a grilled ham and cheese sandwich on flat Latin bread.

“Yum.”

Look for a Cubano Couzinz, Cuban Sandwich Shop Co. or a Fidel’s Flatbread within a five minute walk in any direction this year.

Bored commuters on lunch can hardly wait!

Ashton Kutcher eats tuna salad sandwich for lunch

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

Ashton Kutcher. Born David Hesh Zimmerman, Ashton became a world famous thespian at a young age. He first entered the public consciousness with his stellar work on That 70′s Show before making the leap into feature length film. He was simply sublime in that Coast Guard film with Costner. And that other one with the chesty chick from Grey’s Anatomy. Enthralling. The man is a living, breathing gift. Indeed, few actors match his devotion to his craft. He’s also so much more than an actor. On Punk’d he used the show not only to entertain but as a forum to address world issues, like how funny it would be to see Alyssa Milano served by a rude waiter. And now, thanks to Twitter, you can be privy Ashton’s every idle thought.

Make Love to tha POlice
10:42 PM Oct 6th, 2010 via web

Watching The Heiman Collector, it’s like The Bone Collector, except more heterosexual.
4:37 PM Mar 18th, 2010 via web

Whole Foods tuna salad sandwich for lunch today…mmm mmm good
1:27pm Jan 4th 2011 via iPhone

Amazing. See? He’s not just a pretty face, perched 6’2″ off the ground! He’s super-smart too. Like George Clooney, Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, or any other A-lister that thinks reading scripts written by other people automatically endows them with piercing insight into geopolitics.

And Twitter allows one to literally befriend Ashton or any of one’s favorites stars and keep tabs on their day to day life. Does knowing Ashton Kutcher had a tuna salad sandwich improve your day? It put a smile on our mug.

“Omg omg I’ve had a Whole Foods tuna salad sandwich before! Hmmm, yeah they’re SO good! I bet if Ashton and I were next to each other on a plane we’d be best friends by the end of the flight. I’d break the ice by mentioning that I was the first kid in my class to wear a Von Dutch hat, and then earn his trust by confiding that I too have slept with a 54 year old woman.”

When the UN finally provides every African woman with an iPhone-with-Twitter-app, world peace should not be too far behind. Hell, I bet if Kim Jong-Il had Twitter he’d feel less alienated and probably be more neighborly.

Twitter.

The 21st century awaits an invention that can better enrich mankind.


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