Assad on his Hitlerstache: “No Resemblance Whatsoever!”

Bashar Al-Assad. A murderous dictator. Willing to massacre his own people in order to stay in power.

‘Dictator’? Wait- I thought those were extinct*? I mean, this IS the 90s, isn’t it??”

True, true- except, this is the Middle East. Middle of the East. Have you any idea what this means?

“Oh right- THAT place. …I thought Dubya liberated that place?”

No- despite the fact that several generals and political hacks repeated the phrase “not another Vietnam” like 40 times during the whole Iraq buzz-kill, Dubya kinda created a mini-Vietnam there for like five, six years. (Geez, remember??) Now bombs are going off like crazy but they don’t make the news so we’ll never know what kind of power base we left in that miasma called Iraq. …Saving for the fact that it’s an Iranian-friendly one…and for most of the 80s we paid Saddam to fight the Iranians….no matter! Surely tribalistic illiterates in huts the world over get Enlightenment Principles! This obviously transcends the centuries-old rule of realpolitik.

With regards to our efforts in Iraq, though, at the end of the day the popular thinking is that the ol’ hands-off theory was pretty much validated by the Arab Spring.

“Righhhht- but won’t ominous-sounding “political parties” like “The Moslem Brotherhoodstrong-arm most of those ‘Arab Spring‘, uh, elections?”

Well, uhhh, the democratic political process is sometimes complicated, ummm, sometimes you have to walk before you run, er, uhhh….

ANYWAY- to the matter at hand. Bashar Al-Assad. (His first name is Basher for Christ’s sake. I’m pretty sure that’s a dude that wields a mallet in like 7 video games.)

Now, to start, let’s be clear: we’re not gonna** get all bogged down in the political ramifications regarding Syria. Like how the good guys might very well become bad guys if Assad is ousted…or how long-ruling Assad and his cronies are Ba’athist – a pseudo-socialist, pan-Arab party the only other mandarin of which was the late Saddam Hussein…or the fact Assad leads a Shi’ite minority called “Allawite” that only calls 12% of the population followers vs. the 74% Sunni majority….or how Assadic Syria is an Iranian client state that benefits from Iranian oil-drenched cash to finance and house Hezbollah while buttressing its own regime…or how the Russians back it in the UN Security Council*** in order to have a customer for old Hinds and a sweet port into the Med via the ancient city of Tartus****….or how several of Assad’s key generals have defected of late but noone can flippin’ tell whether this will be enough.No. We’re here to address facial hair. That’s right. In a rare interview provided to Abe Froman (Abe told Assad he was 1/16 Jewish 1/3 Cherokee) on the dictator’s private presidential patio, we finally get an answer to this obvious case of doppelganger.

Imperial President and Protector of the Syrian Pe-;

“No no- you don’t have to bother with that nonsense

‘May I just call you Inheritor Warlord?*****”

“That would be more apt.”

‘First-off: how goes the struggle against the revolutionaries?;


Pardon me?’

Terrorists, not revolutionaries.”

‘But they are common citizenry for the most part. Staging a *revolution* against you. Does this not make them *revolutionaries*?

“They threaten and terrorize me. I am Syria. Therefore they terrorize Syria.”

‘Well I can’t argue with logic like that! Moving on…The Toronto Thymes has noticed you bear a striking resemblance to Adolf Hitler?”

‘You guys are so euro-centric. No, I don’t think we look anything alike.’

“But the ‘stache, great warlord, the ‘stache!”


>at this point several mortars exploded in the midst of the interview. Abe’s hummus and tonic smashed to the ground. Clearly the interview was at an end. Crouched under a plastic patio table with El-Basher, Abe had a rare opportunity to ask one last question.<

Inheritor Warlord- your wife demands Pier 1 but FedEx won’t deliver anymore. All your major cities are in jeopardy. You have tanks, planes and helicopters, yes, but Christ, most of the guys manning them don’t like you. The tide of defections by key commanders to the rebels’ side continues unabated. CAN YOU HANG ON??”

At this the great Inheritor Warlord struck a smoke and adjusted his tie. He stared at our brave correspondent for a moment and then uttered these momentous words…

‘Ahem… the fuck should I know?
*the ASKER omits the continent of Africa, where 11-17 examples are usually “in play.” He does so not because he’s a racist but because most people omit Africa when they talk about the world-in-general.

**”going to

***a goofy uber-commitee of the UN, formed in the wake of WWII and composed only of the winners of WWII…so you have Putin‘s Russia with veto power over intervening on a dictator, or China weighing in on “human rights” issues. Pretty funny if t’weren’t true. (Britain and France are in this cool-kids-club too. Germany is left out (see photo inset.))

****pretty interesting. This city was once to the world what NY is today. …wiki it.

*****When the Bashar’s father died in 2000, Bashar was appointed leader of the Ba’ath Party and the Army, and was elected president unopposed in what the regime claimed to be a massive popular support (97.2% of the votes), after the Majlis Al Sha’ab (Parliament) swiftly voted to lower the minimum age for candidates from 40 to 34 (Assad’s age when he was elected). On 27 May 2007, Bashar was approved as president for another seven-year term, with the official result of 97.6% of the votes in a referendum without another candidate. [Wikipedia]

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