Archive for July, 2011

Smoking still cool

Monday, July 25th, 2011

During WWII the “k-ration” non-perishable meal for every American soldier included three delicious cigarettes. On the other side of the front? Hitler was psychotically anti-smoking,* devising the world’s first domestic anti-smoking campaign. Indeed, his generals were constantly “nicking” as they were forced to listen to him rave map-side for hours on end in any one in his shrinking ring of various command bunkers. Flash forward 50 years or so and Germany was the last member country to bend to the EU‘s draconian smoking laws entirely due to this particular, persevering social memory of old Adolf, the world’s original “anti-smoking Nazi.” German society’s post-Nazi intolerance for intolerance still persists though; for instance, smoking booths still exist within German airports.

Almost everywhere else in the developed world?

Well, save for a handful of Libertarian redoubts such as Florida or Arizona, you are absolutely prohibited from lighting up anywhere indoors – even in a bar. Yes, our freedoms have been so downtrodden that today no one even notices the disgustingly smoke-free character of the modern bar. Actually having to smell the cheap perfume, reeking cologne and stale beer aroma that permeates every bar in the known world back in 1990? Unthinkable. Today? Par for the course.

You could say that the vast majority of bars in 2011 exactly resemble Hitler’s command bunkers of the early 1940′s…that modern society in its indoor smokeless-ness perfectly reflects Hitler’s plan for the smokeless dystopian paradise that was to be the thousand year Third Reich.

He would be nothing short of delighted.

Of course, Adolf Hitler lost WWII on all fronts. …Save for this “front,” where – though Hitler be dead – his pioneering vision of a society purified of all tobacco seems poised for triumph.

Unfortunately the side representing freedom and individuality dwindles in number and lacks the resolve to be heard against the despotic clamor of the “smoke-free” masses** who seek to impose a puritanically intolerant, smoke-free totalitarian regime upon everyone.

The tactical victories scored by the anti-smoking Nazis began in the late 1950s and continue to tally up today. You can’t hack a butt in Central Park in Manhattan anymore. Likewise, you can’t flame a fag even on the sidewalk in many towns across the USA. A pack of cigarettes that use to be as costly as the impulse chocolate bar purchase now weigh on Joe Smoke-pack’s monthly budget almost as badly as his gas expenditures for his Tahoe Hybrid.***

Indeed, in the Western world it is largely just the working class segment of society that continues to smoke. Cynics and Liberals would make all kinds of highly insulting claims correlating this fact with education-level-attained or some other condescending metric but, in truth, it is the common sense inherent to the character of the working man allows him to see through their alarmist agenda, champion individual freedom, and soldier on with his deliciously satisfying habit.

Yet, do the so-called Liberals**** in every country across the developed world – those who have levied taxes on cigarettes to the point that what was twenty years ago a $3 (USD) purchase is now $13 (or higher) – even care that they have effectively created a poor tax? No.

Of course they don’t.

Despite their bleeding heart rhetoric about every supposedly hard-done by group in society since they can’t make cigarettes illegal they are more than happy to attempt to make it prohibitively expensive through crushing taxes, even if the working class smoker – he who ostensibly represents their base – is economically crushed as well.

Not to mention the demonized tobacco manufacturers themselves. Where is the disgusting graphic of a dead fat man on a slab with his bloated stomach torn open in full glossy color on a Big Mac or a Whopper container? Clearly Phillip Morris remains a more than adequate whipping for every Western nation’s ubiquitous Government Ministry of Well Being and Morals. Given that the preachy 80% still gorges itself on hundreds of metric tons of fast food a day, it will be a long while until McDonald’s and its ilk are set upon by the government like a leech upon a cow for that sweet, sweet tax revenue once poor old Phillip Morris’ drained, skeletal carcass is cast into the fiscal ditch.

OK- the health issue. “We’re not anti-smoker, we’re pro-health!” some unhinged soccer mom froths at 120 decibels into some poor veck’s face who was smoking innocently on the sidewalk. Well, let’s examine that…sure, smoking is obviously bad for you; undeniably so BUT obesity is the #1 cause of lowered life expectancy in North America, not smoking. Yet a Double Quarter Pounder is not only unadorned with color closeups of a clogged artery but costs about $3, having climbed only with inflation through the decades. Where’s the fat tax?? A short trip through Pennsylvania and even Stevie Wonder could see that this debt ceiling business would be immediately resolved if a Whopper cost as much as a pack of lights.*****

Now clearly we propose a fat tax in jest, and obviously the left has no compunctions about beating up on smoking since it’s so convenient, being a vilified, increasingly unpopular so-called “vice.” And let’s leave aside that this is really just a nice, greedy tax grab (disproportionately suffered by the poor, of course) under a painfully transparent veneer of some noble “healthful” cause, because we have a more pressing question: Where the hell does the government get off telling me how healthy I can be? If I want a cheeseburger and 15 cigarettes for every meal, well; I’m the one who’ll have to find a Big’n’Tall with a wheelchair ramp. If you want vegan food 24/7 and a smoke-free house, well; sure, masochism is not illegal either.

However: in the airport?

“Sorry pal, you don’t own the air five inches in front of my face. If I have to smell your Axe body spray, you can deal with a tiny spiral of smoke heading for the ceiling. If your virgin lungs are sprouting tumors by the dozen, stand one foot that way. Theeere we go. All better now.”

Of course, the Liberals’ tyrannical legislation in every Western nation that propel cigarettes into ever costlier stratospheres is accompanied by their usual refrain: “It’s for your own good.”

Ah, the protectionist Liberal. Truly a pan-national phenomenon. Once again curbing my ability to make choices for myself as an adult…for my own good. Giving me a nice patronizing pat on the head with one hand while they reach for my wallet with the other.

Luckily the forces of personal choice, responsibility and freedom – while huddled in a veritable smoke-filled Bastogne – are not yet beaten.

Yes, smoking remains cool.

Like the small child who stick his penis in the electrical socket precisely because he was told not to ten times, casual cigarette smoking continues to be a choice upheld by upwards of 40% of the 13 to 17 year old demographic of both genders. A reinforcement in the battle against hypocrisy, censure and pseudo-liberal authoritarianism for the next generation lights up every day under Junior High bleachers across the globe. Sure, they’re not adults yet (in the eyes of the law anyway…insert your own American Indian pregnancy comment here) but they certainly aren’t toddlers and appropriately kick violently back at all attempts to treat them as as such.

“If smoking is so bad then how come John McClane – who famously saved a skyscraper full of yuppies from Alan Rickman in 1987 – obviously adored his habit?” a young person might rightly ask.

“If smoking is so bad then how come it is such a delicious digestif to big meals or sex? Or the unbeatable compliment to a coffee or a beer?” another youth may ponder.

Popular media hasn’t even tried to counter these plain truths, and somewhere between 13 and 17 they become common knowledge. Whether the talented propagandists of the Liberal moralist majority trump a teenager’s sense of free will and empirical learning is only a case by case question.

“So what?” you ask, “I quit ages ago. What do I care??” Well, TTT recommends that if you gave up your habit in 1986 when Skylar was born…well…she’s off to college now, so why not get re-acquainted with an old friend? He’s missed you.

And if you never even smoked in the first place?? Hey- your fortune cookie told you that “You will try new things this month.”

Of course, your friends – terrified at the sight of your smokecrime – will almost certainly have a problem with you enjoying your new-found, age-old gentlemanly habit in their cars, homes or even very likely on their lawns during a BBQ and move to verbally reprimand you at first whiff. We suggest that you just politely reply, “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Jewish on my father’s side. Is that going to be a problem too?”

So, “Welcome back” and “You’re welcome,” respectively.

Excuse us, we must (sadly) step outside.

That steak and scotch calls for a smoke.
*only one of many things he was psychotically antagonistic towards, these also including people who talk during movies and Jews.

**the preachy smoke-free majority witnesses inordinate membership by the morbidly obese and fans of Ugly Betty.

***11% more efficient than the standard Tahoe 5.7L V8

**** “So-called” or “pseudo” because the confiscatory, interventionist character of the modern Liberal seems to have perverted the otherwise noble dictionary definition of “liberal.” That is to say, a hundred years ago a Liberal was a choice-upholding, progressive radical and a Conservative would be taxing you to death and banning all your hobbies. Granted, unless you get to abortion or gay marriage or marijuana, then today’s Conservative is also confiscatory and interventionist just like the mean old monarchical conservatives of a hundred years ago so…it gets a little confusing…..TTT advises that you just subscribe to Libertarianism, a magnificent and inexplicably peripheral ethos.

*****Sorry “signatures” or some other euphemism for light. “Light” has been banned as it implies that this is a “healthier” type of cigarette and, by implication, that smoking itself might be “healthy” (-full stop-)…even though with less tar, “lighter” or even “healthier” is precisely what a light cigarette is.

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