Archive for June, 2011

Hippies vent frustration of stultifying lifestyle

Friday, June 17th, 2011

If you get the chance to flip an unoccupied cop car, should you take it?

A) Yes.

B) No.

C) Is my face showing and is someone recording me on video via cell phone?

D) I’d rather flip the cop.

If you answered ‘A,’ then there’s a good chance that you live in Vancouver and scraped up enough cash planting trees for a ticket to the playoffs. If you answered ‘B,’ then you are a law-abiding citizen so good for you…except that what we didn’t tell you is that there is a baby trapped under the cop car- WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?? You’d probably have turned in Anne Frank wouldn’t have you, ya f*ckin’ automaton! And if you answered ‘C,’ well…you are a despicable little anarchist but a cunning one and we must say “kudos” to your rare sense of….good sense* (…the fact that we’d all have to chip in by way of higher property taxes for a new cruiser aside). Oh, you answered ‘D’? Verrrrry funny, wisenheimer!

Yes, the sleepy urban space that is nicely tucked into a temperate rainforest and correspondingly filled with sleepy hippy space cadets known as Vancouver showed its mean side this week when the town’s hockey team lost Game Seven of the Stanley Cup to Boowausteh’n and angry fans decided to have a good old-fashioned, Watts-style riot.

The first humorous thing about this Bruins-ha-ha is that Vancouver Mayor Handmodel and Vancouver Police Chief Sulu both insist that a very *small* group of dedicated “criminals” and “anarchists” numbering in the tens were to blame for the actual destruction, rather than ordinary fans-gone-mad numbering in the 100s*** as countless YouTube and news station videos make plain.

However, leveling the blame at the 17 f*cktard p*ssies in masks who clearly had this in mind around noon that day versus the X thousand common Vancouverites who collectively decided to go nuts on a whim only directly after the game ended is simply good politics, if a little too transparent.

That is to say, Vancouver’s leaders trying to divert the blame onto a handful of losers with masks who live in their grandmas’ basements amid multiple Rage Against the Machine posters and a whack station is not the crux of the whole debacle. The real issue here is the latent, simmering rage that burns within the thin chest, deep inside the bleeding heart of every hippy.

Indeed, TTT hypothesizes that having to pretend that you don’t like meat, guns or money for years on end fills an otherwise ordinary man with a burning, barely-subdued fury that is only finally let loose in a frenzy of looting, burning and smashing as soon as a suitable opportunity presents itself…such as, say, if one’s hockey team lost Game Seven of the Stanley Cup. Like this week. Don’t believe us? How about way back in ’94.

For instance, let’s run some scenario testing here:

Your car is a hybrid or a bicycle rather than a car. Your dinners consist of tofu or salad rather than a cheeseburger or a steak. You vote NDP rather than Conservative. Your girlfriend is emaciated and doesn’t wear makeup rather than stacked and gorgeous. You like Metric and other forms of bisexual keening rather than Led Zeppelin. You pretend to sincerely love trees rather than being ambivalent towards them. You watch programs about whales on Community Television rather than Lethal Weapon on TBS.

Your hockey team loses the Stanley Cup in a heartbreaker Game Seven and, after the game, you find by weight of numbers that the police are powerless.

What do you do?

Well, if you’re the average Vancouverite you clearly go on a rampage to vent the ocean of frustration that all those many, many years of bicycling, tofu, irrational voting, bad listening, tree hugging and boring television have filled you with.

If you’re from Edmonton or Calgary? As the fans did in every instance after Stanley Cup losses in 1983, 1986, 2004 and 2006 you go home listening to Led Zeppelin in a real car, have a cheeseburger while perusing a newspaper made out of paper from a tree, bang your hot girlfriend or wife, watch Lethal Weapon on TBS, chalk it all up to “good try” and go to bed.

Hmmm, so the hippies are the assh*les (twice!) whereas the blue collar oil guys – those truck drivin’ roughnecks that are so passionately hated by the hippies – are…the peaceful ones? Of course it turned out this way!! In Alberta, respect for private property is inviolate. Smash a guy’s store window and you could find a likewise treatment being administered upon your face. Among B.C.’s hippies? Well corporations are inherently evil sooo…unsurprisingly the “respect” for private property is, um… “less.”

Yet, one last thought…. A wrench can be thrown into our pseudo-intellectual cogs here; aren’t hippies stoners? Aren’t stoners always peaceful? Even when they’re mad, wrecking a cop car would seem like “too much work,” not to mention waaaay too confrontational mayn. And they don’t even like to shop at hemp-less Sears or The Bay let alone loot one.

Oh right, marijuana is illegal. B.C.’s multi-billion dollar, #1 cash crop. They couldn’t have stepped outside the arena and immediately lit up a calming fattie right there on the sidewalk because the state won’t let them. Against the law.

Never mind.

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*Once again a cheque has been delivered to one Michael Myers. No, not this guy. THIS guy.**

**The Purolator man said he was in his movie room with the blinds closed drinking bathtub gin and watching The Love Guru for what was obviously the 300th time while angrily and repeatedly asking the screen, “How is this not funny?!?”

***or 1000s if standing around cheering makes one complicit in vandalism…this is an IMO-per-person tangential question not really relevant to the central hilarpothesis.

****Even this as a “reason” or even “excuse” of sorts barely holds water since 1) the fans were obviously burning cop cars simply because they could and 2) many cities in the past have gone on a rampage of destruction to celebrate a championship WIN…i.e. refer back to reason (1).


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