Archive for January, 2011

Psychologists suggest goal setting may help you live longer

Friday, January 28th, 2011

The psychology department at Everest College, in cooperation with the sociology department at Trios College, has discovered this week that people who set goals, on average, live longer. Said Professor, Sociology Department Chair and top-ranked World of Warcraft player Adam Wheeler, “Yeah, so, uh, we took, like, a look at how long people lived and, uh, the people who had lists of goals through their lives generally, uh, generally lived longer. To a longer age. …Older. They died older. Than those who didn’t have goals. Yeah.”

Goal setting has always been an imperative part of any long-lived person’s journey. Joseph “Uncle Joe” Stalin turned backward, Czarist Russia into a People’s Paradise through the Five Year Plans that he instituted in the 1920′s for industrialization and agricultural collectivization. Stalin died at the ripe old age of 74, which one must recognize as quite an achievement in a country of malnourished alcoholics who on average usually croak in their 50′s. The merits of state command and control over the economy – as compared to the greedy, self-interested* worker exploitation of capitalism – were realized by Mao Tse-tung through the implementation of even more Five Year Plans than even Stalin conceived. Each of these witnessed the construction of more than 500 new tractor factories in record-time.** Most famous in his lifetime resume of goal setting was his Great Leap Forward in 1958 through 1961. While the plan ran up against a number of road blocks and led to violence, starvation and the death of 30 million people without achieving any of its stated goals to enrich the country, psychologists estimate that the benefitive effect upon Mao himself – psychologically and medically – was huge. Indeed, Mao only eventually died at the grand old age of 82, an amazing achievement in a country where the staple diet is white rice, three times daily – i.e. NEVER multi-grain rice – with only the occasional fish head. His successors continue to ensure their own longevity with their current plan to overtake the United States militarily and economically by 2030.

In the world of business, this discovery can be found to have also held true. Ben and Jerry – who lent their names to their popular ice cream making enterprise – are both astoundingly still alive at 59 alike despite having access to a devil’s garden of fat and sugar laden treats. Larry King is estimated to be 107- this longevity perpetuated in the face of more than 15 failed marriages! Why? The man continually updates his plan to be the most stylish, suspenders-clad talk show host in radio and television. His friends and colleagues have confided that for 2011 through 2014 Larry will seek to master the matching of plaid suspenders to solid-color, collared shirts.

Yes, while it is fairly common knowledge that working towards a goal gives one’s life purpose mentally, it now seems proven that it also gives one’s life purpose biologically. Only in a few cases – aberrations, really – has goal-setting not led to longer life. For instance, Adolf Hitler embarked on a plan in the 1920′s to realize a German-run Grosser Europa where order and timeliness would reign after being endlessly frustrated and made late by off-schedule French and Polish trains. He met his demise by his own hand at the relatively young age of 56 after failing to set a goal to not ignite a two-front war, despite being fully aware of the adage.

Be more like Stalin and Mao and less like Hitler. Think Larry King. Think ice cream. Take that salsa class, sign up for that Supervisor’s exam, exterminate those dissidents.

Succeed or fail, the significance is in the journey!***

You won’t regret it when retelling the story with your grand-children on your (arthritic) knee.

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*use of the term “invisible hand” is punishable by death in the People’s Republic of China as it is considered an incitation of “counter-revolutionary wizardry.”
**worker productivity has been found to be highest when those workers work at gunpoint.
***as Emerson very well may have said.

Briefer News Briefs…Micro-Briefs

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

MAN KILLS SEVEN, SELF AFTER FAILING TO CLICK COLLATE

A man shot seven of his coworkers this morning before killing himself after failing to click the “collate”* button during a routine print job. Survivors say that roughly 45 minutes into separating page one from one, page two from two, in a 200 page-per-document, 50 copy print job, the man “just snapped.” Cornered in the break room by Metro Toronto SWAT, the man cried “I never un-clicked it! Never! What situation calls for it not being collated! Honestly!” before turning the gun on himself. He is survived by his cat Princess.

HOOKER HAS HEART OF GOLD

A john at the Waverley Hotel fell asleep after his hour of companionship concluded, leaving his wallet on the bedside table. When he awoke his remaining cash was still in his wallet and he had been tucked in. In related news, a dental hygienist is only a little closer to purchasing a new Louis Vuitton purse.

WEATHER

It is partly cloudy in Kathmandu, 9.5 degrees Celsius and clear. The wind chill brings this down to a solid 9 degrees, while humidity persist in the moderate-to-high level at 68%. Wind gusts should be expected at 1 kmph and the dew point is 4 degrees Celsius. Those going outdoors should bring a light jacket since precipitation should begin by the evening as wind currents come in from the west in a high pressure system.

From BBC News, bringing you the most up-to-date and accurate forecasts in irrelevant weather.

SMART CAR DRIVER SURVIVES HEAD-ON COLLISION

An ecologically-conscious human being and driver of a Smart Car veered into oncoming southbound traffic on Yonge St. and collided head-on with a Ford F-150 Super Duty this morning. He was reportedly not paying attention to the road at the time, preoccupied with switching the radio dial from 104.5 FM to 97.3 FM because the song “With or without you” by U2 was making him think about his aunt, who had recently passed away. Since he was ducking at the time he miraculously survived the crash. The F-150 has a scratched bumper.

In related news, a young hipster on a Vespa was side-swiped by a taxi while commuting from his studio condominium to his studio cubicle and remains in critical condition at Toronto General Hospital. Doctors suggest that he may be using his time trapped in a coma to rethink the brochure, which presented Toronto as snow-free and comparable with Florence.

MATCH.COM CAUSES WOMAN TO HAVE BAD DATE

A woman concluded a date in record time last night after she fast realized that on his Match.com profile where her date had put, “Spontaneous yet goal-oriented,” he should have put, “Overweight yet conceited.” The waiter for their table at Kelsey’s commented, “No amount of wine could have fixed that situation.” He was reportedly left only an 8% tip but was satisfied with that given “the cloud of disappointment” that he discerned hanging over the table. The man returned home to find no response from Penguin Publishing in his mailbox. In related news, a dental hygienist purchased a new Louis Vuitton purse.
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*”Collating” in reference to printing means that if one were to print five copies of a three page document, it would emerge from the printer as page 1, 2, 3 / 1, 2, 3 and so forth, so that you are ready to simply staple your five copies. Not collating means that the pages emerge as 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 / 2, 2, 2, 2, 2 and so on.

US Military to deploy new urban combat vehicle to Afghanistan, Iraq

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

As the relatively-painless US invasion of Iraq in Spring 2003 wound down and a brutal insurgency started up, the “Humvee” – from High Mobility Multi-Purpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV) – fast proved tragically inadequate for the urban guerrilla warfare the US Armed Forces increasingly began to encounter.* Thin-skinned and relatively unsophisticated in lethality, it was always meant primarily for logistics (transport) rather than battle, just as was the bare-bones yet rugged Jeep – famous through WWII and after – which the Humvee only finally replaced in 1985. Sure, you could throw a .50 caliber machine gun on the roof, but it was never meant to withstand serious combat threats. Even up-armored with additional metal plating, the vehicle could at best only guarantee that rifle fire could not pass through to injure the occupants. Indeed, the Humvee – armored or otherwise – could simply not withstand the explosion of a 155mm artillery shell from directly beneath it, which someone hid under some garbage on the road and wired to a wristwatch, alarm clock, pressure plate or cell phone trigger. Indeed, Sunni Al Qaeda-associated terrorists, Ba’athist die-hards, Shia Iran-associated militias, unaligned bandits and militants of any stripe soon began to discover that using these Improvised Explosive Devices or “IED’s” – while ignoble and even cowardly – was far more effective than tangling with the US in an actual firefight, where every advantage lay with their enemy.*** Consequently, IED attacks became far more prevalent than ambushes and came to account for over 70% of combat casualties, although ambushes were still sprung. This trend was replicated in Afghanistan as the neo-Taliban soon came to the same conclusion. In addition, the few ambushes the braver of the enemy continued to stage quickly witnessed the use of as many Rocket Propelled Grenades (RPGs) as the militants could muster, as opposed to the once ubiquitous AK-47, so as to best threaten the now up-armored Humvees.

By 2005 military authorities finally began getting a suitable replacement urban combat vehicle (the M1A1 Abrams tank is too big and fits too few inside for this role) into the Iraqi theater: the Stryker. While a large artillery shell can still destroy the vehicle beyond repair, it at best will only leave the occupants with some nasty bruises and ringing in their ears. Moreover, while a High Explosive Anti-Tank (HEAT) round from an RPG can usually smash through even the thickest of Humvee armored-doors, the slat armor on the Stryker means that the munition detonates too early to punch through the armor as per its design. Of course, in war as with any human endeavor any innovation that might give one party a significant advantage is soon met with a counter-measure. Stryker fatalities began to be taken in 2006 from what came to be identified as Explosively Formed Penetrators (EFPs). Manufactured in neighboring Iran and distributed to friendly Shia militias and proxies in Iraq – most notably the huge “Mahdi Army”**** in eastern Baghdad – these EFPs were a far cry from a rusty artillery shell wired to a Timex. Conically designed to channel liquid metal at hyper-velocity speed through even the thickest armor, EFPs were placed under sewer man-hole covers to overcome the Stryker’s slat armor- and in some lateral cases were able to defeat even this feature.

Which brings us to present day. Yes, for 2011 the Pentagon has announced its commission of the production of 500 of General Dynamics’, in association with Tim Burton Productions, Basic Attack-Tasked Mechanized Bulwarked Layout (BATMBL) or “Batmobile” vehicles. While it holds at most two occupants – as opposed to the Stryker’s nine – the new urban combat vehicle is impervious to all threats short of nuclear attack. Even simultaneous, multiple IED detonation failed to even scratch the Batmobile’s menacing contours or gorgeous paint-job. The final evolution of years of beta prototype production, the Batmobile boasts some of the most sophisticated technologies available today, including an automated armored shell activation mode, remote driving capabilities, spherical extendable-grenade hubcap center caps, and a 300 decibel Prince Psy-Ops stereo loudspeaker system. This final, paralytically frightening feature is rumored to have been the deciding factor in the selection of General Dynamics’ Batmobile over the only competing design submission from perennial rival Northrup Grumman, in association with James Cameron’s Lightstorm Productions.

Asked about perhaps the only possible critique that one could level at the new vehicle – its complete lack of ground clearance – BATMBL design team leader, Jack Napier, responded, “It can hit 270 miles per hour when the afterburner is fully engaged.”

Governor Schwarzenegger is reportedly poised to be the first to own a civilian version, despite the fact that it is only available in black.

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*after the top-most ranking US official after the invasion, “Proconsul”** Bremer, in all his infinite wisdom disbanded the Iraqi military and disallowed the Sunni Ba’athist elite from participating in the new government. Unemployed, humiliated and trained to kill…hmmm, what’s the worst that could happen?

**from antiquity: the official title for an Imperial Roman governor. Affixed to Bremer’s handle as if to denote that the US had acquired a new “province” in its “empire.” In reality, that the enterprise was exhaustively expensive in blood and treasure and that the new Iraqi government is free to snub the US through oil contracts or foreign policy as much as it pleases wholly destroys this commonly-encountered and entirely empty-headed leftist “empire” or “blood for oil” hypothesis.

***Particularly at night, where only the US has night-vision capability. Indeed, the US Armed Forces has heavily favored fighting at night as a matter of doctrine since acquiring this huge tactical advantage in the early 90′s. Advantages also include: air support, artillery support, weaponry, basic infantry skill training etc. etc. Basically any category save for fanaticism, superiority in which obviously lies with the religiously-inspired insurgents.

****followers of notorious Shia Imam and political firebrand Moktada Al-Sadr.

“Put Down the Fork and DO 10 PUSH-UPS” Leads Non-Fiction Bestsellers

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Move over Eat, Pray, Love, there’s a new self-help book that’s hitting the shelves just in time to save everyone’s flagging New Year’s Resolutions to lose weight. Entitled, “Put Down the Fork and DO 10 PUSH-UPS,” the slim 47 page “book” could more accurately be characterized as a “novella,” the central character of which is an omniscient narrator that considers the reader to be a gelatinous, gluttonous jigglebucket. Here are some excerpts:

…from Chapter 1: Getting in touch with Yourself
“Looking in the mirror again, wondering why you’re so overweight? Well, did you skip dinner last night and DO 10 PUSH-UPS? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

…from Chapter 3: Loving the inner You before you can Love the outer You
“Size 38 waist: disgraceful. Children are starving in Africa and you can’t drive past a McDonald’s without pulling into the drive-through. Next time you get the urge for a double big mac with seven apple pies for dessert, just pull over to the paved shoulder, get out of your Kia and DO 10 PUSH-UPS! Still craving a McFlurry? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

…from Chapter 4: A Balanced Diet with occasional Rewards
“Still got a double chin, pounds’o’fun? Didjya have an apple for breakfast? How ’bout for lunch? Eat an apple for dinner? No? How about you quit wasting this author’s time and DO 10 PUSH-UPS! Still hungry? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

…from Chapter 7: Healthy Living and the After-Dinner Stroll.
“Get out those jeans from fifteen years ago. Still can’t get in’em? Walk across town, and when you get back, why don’t you do yourself a favor and DO 10 PUSH-UPS? Who wasted money on a GoodLife membership, now? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

The author, Elvis Gilbert Hartman, credits the spiritual awakening that he had while traveling across Angola, Albania, and Algeria as the inspiration to write the book.

“It wasn’t quite ‘One man’s search for everything,’” said Hartman, “In fact, I was looking to sell defective uranium rods to rogue totalitarian generals who didn’t know any better, but along the way I lost a helluva lot of weight. I wrote this book during the flight back.”

Added Hartman, seemingly as an afterthought, “…Is there a better book on the shelves these days? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

Many self-help books published over the prior decade became popular due to their inclusion of a bewildering volume of pseudo-spiritual pap, but not this one.

“I left all that Zen horsesh*t out,” explained Hartman, “People are really only concerned with looking hot. A divorce only really hurts if you’re too pear-shaped to get laid immediately afterward. You gonna disagree? I didn’t f*cking think so! You make me sick.”

Nicolas Cage dons drag to evade creditors

Monday, January 24th, 2011

“Nicola’z Cashjjj? Non, he no here, senor. Me shjamo Nicole Hermosa.” Yes, reports have surfaced that in a desperate bid to evade his creditors, Nic-o-las-Cage has ta-ken-a-page from Monty Python, Kids in the Hall and J. Edgar Hoover and begun wearing a dress, wig and makeup. Where did this bizarre journey into a push-up bra crammed with newspaper start? Well, as the famous star of such blockbusters as Leaving Las Vegas – for which he won an Oscar – The Rock, Gone in 60 Seconds, Lord of War and The Family Man, Nick gradually came to covet the luxurious trappings which he presumably felt a man of his stature should naturally boast. This tab came to approach Michael Jackson-like proportions and at its zenith included an estate in the Bahamas, a separate Bahamian ISLAND, an estate in Rhode Island, a castle in Germany, a castle in England, a “real” haunted house in Louisiana, pads in Nevada and California, two albino King Cobra snakes, two super-yachts, a dozen Rolls Royces, 18 motorcycles, a half-million dollar Lamborghini once owned by the Shah of Iran, a 1955 Jaguar to sit inside one of his many billiards rooms, a Gulfstream jet and – to cap it all off – a $276,000 dinosaur skull that he beat out Leonardo DiCaprio for at an auction. Enough to make your average African dictator look like a penny-pinching Scotsman.

Not only had Nick by 2007 bled himself dry with a billionaire’s stable of toys on a millionaire’s budget, but his movie career began to flounder. Forgettable bombs like The Wicker Man, Next, Knowing, and, of course, his opus-turned-Götterdämmerung which he financed personally, Bangkok Dangerous, piled up one after another*, endangering his bankability in Hollywood just as his bank was trying to reach him at his 15 various residences to discuss his million dollar overdrafts. That a real estate crash occurred just as Nick began trying to unload many of his already-illiquid properties did not help one bit.

The solution? Since Nick had already driven to Vegas for one last suicidally-alcoholic hurrah, he went in the other direction and headed to JC Penney…the women’s section. Creditors and large Italian men have been searching the known world for him, asking around for an easily-excitable, tall guy with a receding hairline but to no avail. “Nicole” sightings have been made at Busch Gardens, Tampa, Florida, a minor league baseball game in Wisconsin, the Grand Canyon, an Omaha IHOP, Francis Ford Coppola’s July 4th BBQ, and a Minneapolis Walgreens but few images exist save for inset, taken by a Yuma City, Arizona suburbanite of someone who she thought was simply her new neighbor, “Nicole.”

Nick’s new financial advisor, lawyer, and all-around consiglieri Morty Kleinfeld, had this to say: “My client is undergoing a complete restructuring of his financial assets from a secure location. In no way is his, uh, disappearance related to death threats received from Citi Group Lending. Nor has he begun wearing women’s clothes, speaking in a Mexican accent and referring to himself as Nicole Hermosa, or, uh, or any other name…or, or, uh, or alias. …In separate news, my client has filed suit for assault against Citi Group Lending.”

Well we here at TTT can forgive a thousand more Bangkok Dangerousez and even that new movie that’s due out soon in which Nick plays a wizard because the man is simply awesome. Indeed, his devotion to disastrous pet projects that even a child can recognize as having zero chance(s) at ever making money just add to his all-around awesomeness.

We look forward to him unloading a few palatial properties, un-taping his junk, and riding back into Hollywood in a 1968 Mustang Shelby GT500 with all the glory due the guy who did The Bad Lieutenant II: Port of Call New Orleans.

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*cinemaphiles** will note that the dreadful CGI PG-13 88 minute crapfest Ghost Rider is absent from this list. Yeah, it made money. 250 mil. Astounding. Worse? A sequel is in production right now.
**not to be confused with “pedophiles,” which refers to people deathly afraid of children.

Public largely forgotten that Angelina Jolie frenched own brother

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

Angelina Jolie. She was in Tomb Raider and, uh, Changeling (?) and some other crap. Oh, she was in the classic nerd thriller Hackers (oooh, “hackers,” such an amusingly new and topical concept in 1994.) Really, the only thing worth seeing with her in it is Gia, a film in which she plays some supermodel named Gia and is birthday-suit naked for 74 of the film’s 112 minutes. Her dad is also Jon Voight. (They don’t get along so she dumped the surname.) So what is she really famous for?

She is most famous for breaking up America’s Sweethearts, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Yes, the woman is a succubus. Pitt and Aniston had been together since ’98 but, in 2005, on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith Jolie was able to work her voodoo. A few months on set together. A sex scene or two. Aniston had no chance once Jolie was given this huge window of opportunity. Indeed, Aniston was like Betty from Archie and Jolie was like Veronica…if Veronica had insane blowjob lips and massive, real breasts on a slender frame. But c’mon! Maybe you bang Veronica but you don’t DIVORCE Betty! So beloved is Aniston still that, in a recent poll, 84% of married men said they’d dump their wife for Rachel Green, Aniston’s character from the mega-hit Friends. She also pulled down about $110 mil from her time as everyone’s favorite girl. Now, obviously, the money thing didn’t really affect his decision but, STILL, why in the hell would Pitt divorce her?? Succubus voodoo, my friend, succubus voodoo. He was mesmerized by that giant sexmouth and those smoldering Medusa-like eyes.

Of course, Jolie is also known for her compulsive need to adopt little children from every shithole in the known world. Rumor has it the two have about 47 of these various taupe colored rugrats chewing on the carpet now.

One wonders what Pitt thinks when he’s sitting there at home, in the finest La-Z-Boy La-Z-Boy makes, Cambodian throw-up all over him, a screaming Gayanese infant in his arms, and four Bangladseshian toddlers fighting over a ceramic bookend in the corner and Friends comes on. Anger? Sadness? Regret?

Oh, damn, Angelina just walked in naked.

This throw-up should come right out anyway…

Oh yeah, everyone seems to have forgotten that Jolie frenched her own brother at the 2000 Oscars and is kind of a weirdo.

Unoriginal morons purchasing identical winter coats

Thursday, January 20th, 2011

January, 1943. Prohibited from attempting a tactical retreat, the German 6th Army awaits its demise, encircled in the city of Stalingrad, deep inside Soviet Russia on the bank of the Volga. However, not all of the men have gone delirious through starvation and exposure. The officers are all pretty (laura)dern cozy. Indeed, the Feldwebels and up are able to find some respite from the bitter chill by burrowing as deep as possible into their winter coats, these outfitted with stylish – and functional – fur-trimmed collars.

Strangely enough, this fur-trimmed fashion that originated (on the modern parka) with the Nazis – of all the world’s “trendsetters” – later sturmed back into style in the early 2000′s. Yes, way back 10 years ago it seemed that everyone and their cousin had a faux fur-trim-collar winter parka from the GAP. Then, like a fire in the deep-fryer machine at McDonald’s, the fashion simmered for awhile. Had it gone out? Was faux-fur-trim so-dust-bin? Nein, mein Freund! It’s back…AGAIN! And this winter, the fur-trim-collar parkas all have a little badge on the sleeve, so you just know you are in on the fashion…and not one of those sad, deluded fools waltzing around in an imitation whatever’s-cool-at-the-moment, thinking that he is basking in the glow of his peers’ approval and esteem when really the heat of the stares that he feels upon his neck are actually the white, hot looks of pure, unadulterated contempt! (Settle! Settle down, now. >clears throat<*)

The GAP is no longer the pusher man for this fad (in fact, are they even around anymore?). No, this time it’s premier, hard-core, serious sh*t winter gear manufacturer Canadian Goose that is the maker. Clearly the fur-trim fad gets a lift this time around with a little of the ol’patriotism-pandering that worked so well in the past for Roots, er, Roots, as well as from the premium consumers affix to gearing up in the same stuff Arctic explorers wear in the North Pole…for a Toronto winter.

“Dude, that is such a legit parka. Totes.”

OK, granted: a goose down parka? Sounds pretty nice for a Canadian winter. And the super “in” fur-trim collar? The style was popularized by none other than Field Marshal Friedrich Wilhelm Ernst Paulus, so you know you’re cool. But what is the downside to conforming to a fashion? Well…

EVERYONE HAS YOUR SAME F*CKIN’ COAT!

Head out into the streets of Toronto and count the number of these stupid fur-trim-collar parkas with the retarded little badge on the arm you see. If you count less than fifteen in one half-hour, TTT will award you a free five year subscription to a publication of your choice**.

To each of our readers here we say please, for God’s sake; don’t be a sheep. …Or in this case, a goose.***
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*the author was the proud owner of an Orlando Magic winter coat circa the winter of 1993/94 that he felt was supremely in-style until his cruel classmates, taking immense pleasure in the activity, informed him that, since the coat was made by Russell Athletic and not Starter, it was profoundly and irredeemably uncool.

**Limited to those publications owned by TTT Enterprises Media Group…which so far only consists of TTT (though high-level negotiations regarding Rupert Murdoch’s divestiture of London’s eternal Times from his empire and its proposed acquisition by TTTEMG are still underway.)

***!

Starbucks goes super size

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

Starbucks. How many branding books exist about this company? 70? It’s no surprise; Starbucks’ logo just “pops” so well, kind of like Tide’s (“Ohh, you use ‘Gain’? Sure, sure…just as good…). Confronted with the choice between a Starbucks and a Second Cup, only the most die-hard canuck would pick Second Cup. West coasters often prefer The Coffee Bean while true hipsters exclusively haunt independents, and wouldn’t be caught dead in the faux-cozy embrace of a Starbucks interior. Tim Horton’s? Well, this requires (and got) it’s own article (look it up in the archives, for criminy). OK, so (baby) about that drink…

“Venti” means “20″ in Italian, and this is the name for what was Starbucks’ largest sized beverage until now, and fittingly so since the “venti” holds 20 fluid ounces (or 591ml) of hot, coffee goodness. The new size is called “Trenta.” Given the above, care to take a guess why? Yup: 30 fluid ounces (or 917ml) of java. (Some say 31 or even 32 fl.oz., but let’s not quibble and wreck the nice namey-name ching we gotsts gwanin’.) Of course, SBUX* has approached this thing wisely: you can’t order a 500 cal diabetes-special aka a “frappuccino” – a milkshake substitute since drinking an actual milkshake at 2 in the afternoon in your cubicle would be met with disdain** – in the new size, just hot or iced coffees. So no hack with a HandyCam will be getting to the Oscars on the back of a 3 trenta-a-day “Starf*cked” indie documentary about how fat he got…force feeding himself.

Our take? Bring on the yuppie Big Gulp. Bigger, better, onwards upwards. If something is good, more of it is better. It’s simple Cartesian logic, people.

TTT just hopes that we can replicate our usual scam of ordering a “medium in a large cup”…”so there’s space for milk.” Usually the server ends up giving you a large at the medium price (ha-HA! Take that, giant corporation that is automatically evil since it’s a corporation with prices for goods that it makes available to me as a consumer. ha-HA!) Second Cup has even sent a memo from corporate to all of its stores prohibiting its servers from acquiescing to this most rational of demands. Hopefully we can continue this trusty “medium-large grift” with a “venti” in a “tresta” cup.

And I didn’t just order a coffee. I had an “experience,” on par with visiting an authentic cafe on the promenade in Firenze.

Yeah, that’s it.
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*using stock ticker short-forms in everyday correspondence is a good way to suggest that one possesses some level of financial acumen.
**for some reason (ed.)

Timothy Geithner a Cyborg

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

After collapsing at a press conference yesterday, Treasury Secretary and bona fide wunderkind Timothy Geithner was rushed to Bethesda, Maryland Naval Hospital for treatment. Presuming Geithner to be in the throes of a typical pre-50, stress-induced cardiac arrest (corporate-Japan style), cardiologists went to work to stabilize him. However, upon opening his chest, they were shocked to discover a lithium battery in place of a human heart.

“It turns out Geithner was a humanoid cyborg purchased in secret from Samsung by Bernie Madoff in 1982,” said a Department of the Treasury Official, “Madoff’s plan was for Geithner to stave off any macroeconomic shocks that could jeopardize his ponzi scheme by triggering a wave of capital withdrawal requests…as eventually happened in 2009.”

An IT expert contacted by TTT to provide some color on modern cyborgs added, “Madoff clearly should have accepted Sony’s bid.”

Soon after this discovery, Maryland state police officers assaulted Henry Paulson’s residence to ascertain whether he was an older model also part of the Madoff scheme. They conclusively discovered that he was not.

Geithner’s two “children” have already been put to death as abominations by a Christian fundamentalist mob and the former officers of the now-defunct Jewish charities Madoff bankrupted.

In related news, reports of Ben Bernanke’s past life as a homosexual porn star continue to await verification. A mysterious Woodward and Bernstein-like Honduran source last month turned out to be nothing more than a hoax.

Advertisers slowly ruining greatest hits

Saturday, January 15th, 2011

You’re 62 years old and physically shattered from a lifetime of booze, drugs and random sex. It’s been three decades since you played Madison Square Garden. Now the only gigs you pull are at Casino Rama to pay for the upkeep on that ridiculous boat you picked up in ’85 (Azimut said nothing about $100,000 annually in birthing and de-barnacling!). A brand manager from Johnson calls you out of the blue, waking you from a dream in which your groupies are still supple teenagers, not the aging skeletons of reality who so disturbingly resemble your own, sad self. An instant $500,000 wire transfer awaits you if you give them the rights to use your #1 hit of all-time – that lead single off your 1974 album that went double-platinum and eventually earned you a spot in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – in a television commercial for **New Pledge ® Multi-Surface Clean & Dust™ Spray**!

“The product is kind of a hip new way to approach cleaning wood, glass and tile in one!,” says the hack on the other end of the line, “I mean, one cleaner for all the surfaces in your home!? Talk about radical, man! Far-out! So, whudda ya say?”

The Johnson kid sounds about 25. He probably wasn’t even born when your song hit #1. Is this selling-out? Oh, this is definitely selling-out. Jimi Hendrix, John Bonham and Keith Moon are all turning over in their graves. But half-a-mil’? For nothing? That’s 100 of those demeaning Casino Rama appearances!

“Yes,” you hear yourself say in a weak voice, “OK.”

“What’s that, dude, I didn’t quite catch it?” says the kid.

“YES. OK. Done,” you say.

“Grrrreat. I’ll have the papers over to your agent ASAP. Ciao, baby!” says the kid.

>CLICK< And that's something approximating the post-fame sell-out that causes your favorite tunes to be dragged through the proverbial mud on TV in some vacuum commercial. The Isley Brothers' classic soul song "Who's that lady?" about a freakin' soccer mom using a Swiffer broom? Player's "Baby Come Back" about the damn broom wanting to be re-embraced by that same soccer mom? The Cult's "She Sells Sanctuary" was sold to Nissan for use on TV to help add some adrenaline to its lame-ass Altimas. And, perhaps worst of all, The Beatles' "All You Need is Love" was set as the background music to a TV spot hawking BlackBerries. If you haven't heard one of your favorite classic tunes on TV in awhile; don't worry, you will. And it'll be accompanied by some footage about how versatile a new plunger is. Perhaps the only thing worse is when the executors of an estate decide to let a given company use a dead artist’s likeness to hawk its crap in return for a do-nothing fat cheque. Did Steve McQueen really like Tag Heuer watches? I dunno, that giant billboard seems to say so. And Yoko Ono has sold John Lennon’s likeness for everything from action figures to lunch boxes. What a genuine “artist” she is.

….OK, this last one is not that shocking.


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