Archive for September, 2010

Ian McShane Suddenly Delivering Bad News to Strangers

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

Reports that Ian McShane, the renowned British actor, has been accosting strangers on the street with bad news out of nowhere have been circulating with increasing frequency in past weeks. McShane has reportedly been doing so clad garment-for-garment in his exact wardrobe from the hit series The Pillars of the Earth, which just finished its first season on cable. On the series McShane plays “Bishop Waleran,” a part tailor-made for the experienced actor: an amoral, conniving Catholic Bishop, angling to best exploit the political turmoil engulfing medieval 12th century England.

However, even more startling than his sudden appearances have been the accuracy of McShane’s premonitions.

“I was just havin’ a smoke around four, lookin’ forward to the end of the day,” said Justin Tone, a low-level office clerk, “when who sidles up to me but the guy from Deadwood, ‘cept he’s dressed as some kinda priest, all in purple. Oh, and thing is, there’s a big promotion I’m hopin’ to get, right? So, anyway, before I can say anything, he just says, ‘You will never build that career.’ What the hell is that? Thing is..a few days later, that new kid who always comes in early got the promotion. Damn that Brit bastard!”

Said another victim, “The guy must be psychic. I’ve been planning to build a tree house for my kid before the summer’s out, right? And one day, as I’m waiting outside for a hot dog, who comes up to me but that British guy! You know, the actor! Except he’s dressed all funny. And he says, ‘You will never build that tree house.’ Later on, as I was thinking about it on the subway home, it hit me: ‘Holy shit, he’s right! I haven’t even finished that spice rack for my wife, and that was four years ago! Plus my kid is an annoying little shit!!’”

More recently, McShane went political. Somehow getting past security, McShane appeared at a heavily-fortified peace conference between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas in Washington, DC, to inform them both that, “You will never build that peace.” McShane somehow eluded capture as those in the room sat stunned for several moments after his solemn utterance, and the Secret Service has so far still failed to comment on how McShane both got in and out of the building.

While both Netanyahu and Abbas were fans of Sexy Beast, only Abbas had seen Pillars. “I subscribe to Sky,” said the Palestinian. And although some brief goodwill was generated out of their mutual affirmation that McShane is a tremendous actor and an all around bad-ass, the two rivals sadly concurred with the thespian that their cause was hopeless and parted ways soon after the incident, ending the peace negotiations.

Interestingly President Obama, unfamiliar with McShane entirely, was most perplexed of all. “What’s he from again?” the mystified President was heard to have asked his Secret Service men repeatedly, following the incident.

Controversy Surrounds TV Show “Entourage”

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

Is Entourage a well-written, snappy show that allows viewers an inside glimpse behind the glamor of Hollywood or a superficial melodrama predicated on materialism and vanity? Apparently a heated debate among couch potatoes exists as to this very question. Man-on-the-street interviews found, umm, men on the street entirely polarized as to the subject, very clearly inhabitants of one camp or the other.

Entourage is a soap-opera for douches,” said one man asked as to his opinion, heading out of a downtown gym, a Swiss Chalet drumbstick in one hand, his gym bag in the other. “Sex & the City for guys. Or should I say gays.”

Another, a diminutive, swarthy medical type we encountered on University Ave, went further: “I have never seen a full episode in my life.  A 22 minute killer smash piece is one thing.  But people emulate these f*ckwads. ‘Ari Gold buys his suits at Zegna, so that’s the only place I get my suits.’ No, Zegna paid a shitload of money to HBO because they know idiotic sheep watch this claptrap, and make their life, fashion and economic decisions based on what a bunch of fagotty poseurs do on television.” The man then entered into an incoherent diatribe of sorts on the sorry state of entertainment today, from which we could only glean that he was a fanatical devotee of M.A.S.H. and Cheers.

A Bay St. yuppie found later in our travels then illustrated the opposite view. Clad entirely in Cerutti, and smoking a cigarette outside of ScotiaPlaza (though he insisted that he had technically quit) the man was happy to expound: “It’s a brilliant show economically. Also well written and directed. Personally I think Johnny Drama is one of the most unique television comedy characters of the past 10 years.”

Overhearing his positive review, another smoker feet away piped up without being asked. Said the convo-crasher: “I don’t see what the appeal is of watching a bunch of guys walking around and following their more successful better looking friend, and living on his coattails.  Girls f*cking go around in troupes, and it’s f*cking annoying because they are too scared to be separated.  This is just the next step in the feminization of men. Having us aspire to walk around all the time with our friendzies.”

To this the Bay St. dandy retorted: “Then I guess the show isn’t for you. I’ll let the executives who greenlit it know that the 3 million weekly viewers (domestic) who watch it each week are idiots.”

So is the show tripe or tremendous? Either way, all those interviewed agreed: it has a tremendous amount of T’n’A, especially for a show your girlfriend will willingly watch with you to better pass a boring Sunday night.

Entourage is a soap-opera for douches

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