Archive for May, 2010

Mysterious Barrel of Concrete Found in Lake Ontario

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

Metropolitan Toronto Police SCUBA enthusiasts pulling down sweet, sweet overtime also pulled a mysterious barrel of concrete from the tranquil, azul waters of Lake Ontario this past Sunday. Said Constable Barnike from the scene while still in his wetsuit, “I’ve been interested in SCUBA ever since that Bond movie where they have the massive underwater spear battle. I think it was Dr. No ?” Asked more directly about the barrel, Barnike commented, “Oh, residents on Centre Island complained about it floatin’ around. There might be a dead guy inside, we’re not sure. Frankly, I just love getting paid to SCUBA. Usually I have to harass teenagers at the LCBO or cut tickets. …Maybe it was Thunderball?”

Informed that the film he had made reference to was indeed the 1965 Sean Connery classic Thunderball, Barnike immediately shouted an incoherent cheer of victory, and cannonballed backwards from a standing position back into the water, from which he then loudly claimed that he could swim to “Buffalo and back.”

Barnike is currently under suspension from active duty with full pay for suspected inebriation while on duty.

“Tell you one thing, someone’s gettin’ a serious pollution ticket,” said the Police boat captain from behind his fishing rod. “This here’s still Miller’s pond and nothin’ makes him madder than someone disrespectin’ the environment.”

Rumors that the corpse of a well-known Triad Chinese gangster is actually encased in the concrete-filled barrel have been unconfirmed. “We got the barrel,” said Police Marine Division Captain, David Schwimmer (no relation), “Case closed.”

Ford Unveils Controversial Ad Campaign

Friday, May 21st, 2010

Ford Motor Co. (NYSE: F) is in hot water after creative elements of its new advertising campaign hit airwaves and magazine racks earlier this week. Critics say that the ads are racist, claiming that they play to an anti-Japanese sentiment long dormant in the US since the end of WWII.

Said Ford Public Relations Director, Rick Wagon, “Ford does not see people in terms of color or ethnicity, maybe those German car companies do – Mercedes and BMW probably do – but we don’t. Frankly we find the allegation itself offensive.” Questioned further as to the deragotory presentation of Japanese people in ther ads, Wagon said, “Look that’s an artist’s rendering of the dude from Toyota who visited us in Detroit to try and buy us in 2008. That’s what he looked like. Not my fault. …Actually we got that guy so loaded on Jager, haha, it was pretty funny.”

Alan Mulally, President and CEO of Ford, was more outspoken on the subject, “Fact: these guys’ grandpas actively tried to kill your grandpa. Fact: they contribute to the American trade deficit more than any other import. Fact: a good ‘ol boy somewhere in the States is out of a job in favor of a guy named Takimi whenever you buy one’a these things. Fact: somebody better buy a damn Taurus again or I’m gonna have to take out a second mortgage on my place in Palm Spring.”

Confronted with the fact that while Toyota did assist Japan’s Imperial Army in its war against the US, it only manufactured trucks, Mulally said, “Trucks, tanks- let’s not split hairs here. It’s bad karma and your grandpa would probably slap you upside the head if he saw you in a Corolla.” Mulally had no comment when questioned as to the veracity of the rumor that he once referred to the lines on a Lexus IS300 as “Sexy.”

Ford’s plans to debut another advertising campaign next month, which was to feature Holocaust imagery in a comparison of Audi to the Nazi Party, have reportedly been put on hold.

M. Night Shyamalan Detained at Airport

Friday, May 14th, 2010

Visionary director and courageous producer M. Night Shyamalan was detained at LAX by security on his way to board a flight for New York this week. The supervising security officer, Chuck Phlegm, had this to say: “Many a`these terrorists put on a nice Zegna leisure suit over their terrorist robes and get their terrorist accent fixed by that Rosetta Stone computer or by watchin’ enough American TV or somethin`, but it don`t fool me. Fact, happens least twice-a-shift.“ Continued Phlegm, “So I ask`em what his name is, and he says `M.` And I go `M. what?` And he goes, `Just M.` So I says, `M. as in Mohammed!` and that-there Mohammed movie director  goes `No, not Mohammed, it’s Hindu, you just wouldn’t be able to pronounce it.’ That’s how I done figured out he was a terrorist!”

Shyamalan was almost released from detainment when an FAA official on the scene pointed out that Shyamalan “…did that great movie where Bruce Willis was dead and you didn’t even get it until the end.” Unfortunately, a National Guardsman interjected and immediately  reminded everyone that M. Night was also the filmmaker  behind “…that fuckin’ movie with the mermaid in the apartment building where nothing happens and it`s boring as shit, or that one where it’s olden days but really it’s just some retards in a National Park.” Night was turned over to the CIA and en route to Guantanamo Bay minutes after most of the room successfully recalled wasting money on at least one M. Night Shyamalan film other than The Sixth Sense.

Under intense, unceasing interrogation at Guantanamo, Shyamalan confessed to being responsible for that flick where the plants try to kill everyone. Then, after his seven thousandth sit-up, Night pleased his captors by finally admitting that the film was indeed a fictional test-run for a real-life Al Qaeda operation.

Said Shyamalan in a statement through his lawyer, “I finally caved. My abs were looking amazing but they also kept spraying me in the face with a hose. I was just really wet.“

George W. Bush commented from retirement that he was aware of “the terrorizers’ plant-plans all along“ and that President Obama has been left more than adequately prepared to deal with the crisis by the Bush presidency.

“Just tell him to check the shed, he should find plenty of pesticide.“ said the former President.

Sun Runs Empty Issue

Friday, May 7th, 2010

Last Thursday, The Toronto Sun – Toronto’s answer to The New York Post – ran an issue that was virtually empty. Said editor-in-chief James Wallace, “It was a  rare day in news. There were no Blue Jays or Toronto FC games to recap from the day before, and absolutely no car crashes to make the headline.”

The nine-page issue consisted of the Sunshine girl, the Sunshine boy, a 3×3 Sudoku puzzle and seven pages of classified listings that mostly consisted of thinly-veiled ads for prostitutes. Continued Wallace, “We were desperate for a nice car wreck, but not even so much as a fender-bender. Without a mangled minivan to spread across five pages in full colour, I am left wondering if anything of note even happens in this world of ours!”

Informed the next day that a bus full of multi-cultural grade-school children was struck by a GO train after stalling on the tracks near the Ontario Science Centre,  Wallace exclaimed, “Thank God!”

Harper Crowns Self “Maximum Leader”

Saturday, May 1st, 2010

Sources within Canadian Parliament have revealed that Stephen Harper took advantage of his “prorogue” (an unhelpful Latin word meaning “suspension”) of Parliament earlier this year to unilaterally decree himself  “Maximum Leader” of Canada.

Commented Harper via his Bluetooth headset while taking a bath and watching Pop-Up-Video this Monday around noon: “Yeah, it’s true. I’m Maximum Leader now. I read that Noriega called himself that and I liked the sound of it. Say what you want about his liberal record on global warming, but that guy always had style.” Pushed to comment on the Constitutional validity of his new titular exaltation, Harper responded, “Well, um, you know, John A. Macdonald- …heyyy Hungry Like the Wolf- nice! I gotta go.”

While not conferring perquisites such as Rule-for-Life as the title did on the former dictator of Panama, the Canadian equivalent apparently does allow Harper his pick of the most gorgeous women in the country to do cocaine with, free of legal consequence, just as Manuel originally specified  (and enjoyed) in the 1980s. Harper reportedly plans to expand this detail to include Parliamentary pages.

Also queried as to his recent, implicit support for shockingly-inhumane Sub-Saharan African “do-it-yourself” abortions vis-à-vis having Canada hold up badly-needed G8 abortion funding in the region, the occasional Church-going PM replied, “Abortions are b-a-a-ad, um’kay?”

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