Archive for April, 2010

Ray Liotta Still Cool

Wednesday, April 28th, 2010

This week, scientists at famed research university MIT (the Massachusetts Institute of Technology) affirmed that Ray Liotta is still cool. Said lead nerd Dwight Maagd: “For most subjects inputted into our model, such a dismal career run over the last 20 years would have sank them into abject and irredeemable un-coolness; however, in Ray’s case it seems that no matter how terrible a movie he does, he remains cool.” Added another dork, “`Have you ever even seen Turbulence? Man, that sucked. And Operation Dumbo Drop should have resigned him to complete uncoolness- with an error rate of 0! He is an aberration that cannot be explained by our model. It`s uncanny!“

The scientific community concurs that it is either a protozoan amoeba heretofore unrecorded in Darwinian science living in Ray’s body that is rendering him permanently cool or his role in Martin Scorcese’s 1990 gangster masterpiece Goodfellas.

“We surmise that the amoeba feeds on negative feedback from film critics“ says Dwight.

Mayor Miller to Join Toronto FC

Monday, April 26th, 2010

Lame duck Toronto Mayor and self-described Family Feud “superfan“ David Miller has declared his intention to try out for Toronto’s professional soccer (in eurotrashgesprecht: “football”) team – Toronto FC – upon leaving the municipality’s highest office this November. “I’ve loved soccer since I was 12. I started back then so obviously I`ll be first-string again,” said the Mayor in an interview via cellular phone, as he sat on Bloor St. in bumper-to-bumper traffic. “Plus I think I look pretty damn sexy in the jersey,” added the impish union lackie. Asked what physical training the Mayor might have already begun to prepare for such an athletic undertaking, Miller cryptically replied, “I absolutely adore orange wedges.“

After spending the majority of the city budget on a crusade to curb (pun intended) the effective use of downtown roadways by cars, Miller squandered the remainder on two concurrent projects: a failed city holiday, “Let’s Celebrate how Different we all Are – Day“, and a special Toronto Elementary Schools educational module, “Our Differences Are not Important, It’s what’s on the Inside that Counts.” Miller briefly appeared as Malcolm X during visits to several schools last year in which short plays were put on to promote the module.

Miller will, of course, be most fondly remembered for allowing the municipal workers to hold everyone else in the city – those unable to “bank“ any sick days, let alone 20 or more per year – hostage with the smell of rotten garbage last Summer. Toronto FC fans have already dubbed Miller “Kommissar Beckham” and have begun to hoard empty D-cell batteries in hopes of cheering him on as best they can, when and if he takes the field.

Though reportedly hoping for assignment as a Forward or “Striker,” Toronto FC coach Predrag “Preki“ Radosavljevic is rumoured to be considering Miller for a last-minute addition to the roster as a second-string goalpost.

Wal-Mart Merger Announced

Saturday, April 17th, 2010

Wal-Mart (NYSE: WMT) announced today that it has begun a merger with the fictional evil conglomerate from the Resident Evil videogame and movie franchise, the Umbrella Corporation (RCSE: UMB). Said Wal-Mart public relations spokeswoman Jessica Tandy, “The philosophical alignment of our two companies was too strong to ignore. This merger will achieve tremendous economies of scale and scope. Simply put, our new company will continue in the commitment to an authentically evil corporate culture that the stakeholders of both former companies have come to loathe and despise.”

RBC Capital Markets analyst Holden “Rufy” Stirling III had more to say, “Obviously Wal-Mart intends to acquire some serious bioengineering and pharmaceutical capability in one fell swoop. On the other side of the table, Umbrella probably felt that this was a great strategy to make further inroads into “reality,” so it’s a win-win. …Bro, once I f*ckin’ almost beat that game at Ivey! Serious!” Added, Tandy- “Plus our CEO kept mentioning how similar our logos are. I mean, he’d bring it up at every meeting. Someone mentioned that the Umbrella Corporation is from a videogame and he became extremely angry and struck them in the mouth. After awhile he became very tough for the Board to ignore.”

Current Wal-Mart shareholders will receive a 1:1 stock swap for shares in the new company, “The Wal-Brella Corporation,” as well as two autoinjectors – or “LiviPens” – loaded with the antidote to the zombie plague virus the new company plans to release this Fall.

Milla Jovovich could not be reached for comment.

Homeless Man Runs for Mayor

Friday, April 16th, 2010

Chester “Crypto” Barnike has not liked what he’s seen happen to Toronto over the past few years and despite being unemployed, schizophrenic and addicted to the chronic intravenous injection of crystal methamphetamine, Charles – or “Crypto” as he is known to his friends, dealer and parole officer – has vowed to do something about it by running for the city’s highest office.

As he sifted through a dumpster adjacent to the Moss Park McDonald’s for discarded leftovers, Crypto commented to this reporter: “Frankly, David Miller was co-opted by the labor unions from the start. His commitment to an urban society that truly embraced so-called “green” ecologically friendly modes of behaviour was really a covertoure, as De Gaulle once said, or cover, for a re-engineering of our etymological beliefs towards bureaucratic apathy, or “willful non-participation” in the governance process; indeed, Miller endeavoured at every turn to beguile us and impress upon us that he was the best choice in leader, in the face of empirical evidence that a civilization – urban polis or otherwise – has never been optimally served by any inept and utterly incompetent puppet such as him…holy sh*t, an Apple Turnover!”

NDP party fundraisers (or “cadres,” as they are known to cell leader Chow) have criticized Crypto, pointing out that his name is “Crypto” and that he lives in a refrigerator box. To this, the noble candidate-in-tatters responded, “True, but at least I never banged whores like Giambrone. …OK I was a whore for awhile, but at least I’m not as ugly as Rob Ford.”

So far statisticians have given Crypto a healthy ten-point lead over all other nominees according to early polls.

Bounty Out of Closet

Friday, April 16th, 2010

The chocolate bar Bounty has revealed that the rumors were indeed true all along: it is a homosexual. “I was inspired by Ricky Martin, to be honest,” said the delicious yet light-in-the-loafers candy bar.

Reflecting with a tear in its wrapper, Bounty went on to reflect, “I always wondered why God made me all coconutty like he did. In high school, Snickers and Mars would make fun of me in the halls for my outlandish, dandy coconut ways. In college I always had a thing for Big Turk, but was too damn ashamed to do anything about it.”

Skor, a veritable “ladies man” at the convenience store counter, commented, “Like me, Bounty is adored by women, but he didn’t seem to enjoy it. Granted, most of us are downright molested by fat, unmarried secretaries, but even a hottie little blondie indulging in a rare bit of chocolate therapy wouldn’t get his motor running. He would always have his eye instead on the guy with a weird haircut..or the guy with a weird earring…you know what I’m talking about.”

Others were less sensitive to the news; indeed, Mr. Big had this to say: “Fag.”

Bounty is currently reported to be involved in a bizarre love triangle with a “Pep” peppermint pattie and a box of bisexual raisin Glossetes.

MADD Mad

Friday, April 16th, 2010

Move Over Mothers Against Drunk Driving, Motherf*ckers Against BlackBerries is In Town! So read the first tweet distributed by the organization of the same name last week. “MABB” is being run by former George Brown culinary arts and hospitality freshman Dwight Coolidge, and reportedly bears absolutely no resemblance in structure/financial support/or altruistic intent to its namesake organization.

Clad in a backwards Blue Jays hat and wearing an XXXL white t-shirt on which he had apparently written a short limerick in black sharpie pen involving a grandmother and a bar stool, Dwight commented, “I f*ckin’ hate those muthaf*ckin’ blackberries man. Yeah, I got a f*uckin’ RAZR. So!? I can f*ckin’ text. So!? You see me f*ckin’ slammin’ into muthaf*cka’s on the muthaf*ckin’ street, muthaf*ckah?? No muthf*ckin’way.”

Informed that MADD planned to sue Dwight over the stark similarities his organization bears in name and logo to MADD’s copyrighted name and logo, Dwight responded, “Muthf*ckah!”


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